In elementary school, we played the game “Red Rover”. Essentially, you call someone over and they break through linked arms. Before beginning, you pick teams. Picking teams in anything made my stomach hurt. I wasn’t popular, only chubby (really chubby) and dirty with worn clothes. I was abused then, but not like I was when I lost weight. That’s when a lot more abuse took place. It happened throughout my life, but it was worse when I became a preteen and teen. My being without friends facilitated that because I never left my house and had no friends who could provide an outlet.
Picking teams was painful. I was literally picked last. That also meant anytime there was an odd number, I didn’t play at all. All I wanted was to be a part of the group, have friends, be liked, and be valuable. I still do.
As I grew, that didn’t change, nor did being last. When I went into foster care at 16, I definitely felt like an outsider, and I was. Throughout my life I have watched friends leave our relationship for other friends, been left out of group activities, and never been part of a click. In social settings, I often wandered from group to group, trying to become part of the conversation or just “fit in”. Sometimes this even happens where I’m most comfortable, the Church. because at those times I am insecure in my place.
I have often prayed, “Why not me?” What do I do that makes me unacceptable? Why am I not good enough for others? Why do I get passed over for others in social and career situations? I am a serious person, not really funny, mostly quiet, a worker, and a rule follower. I’m an outsider sometimes in my own skin. I know this. Habits formed from a tumultuous childhood and a devil that knows my weaknesses.
I take solace in my heavenly place in the Bible verse, Matthew 20:16, “So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen..” As I get older, I understand that my place on Earth is about doing God’s work. In this verse, God is telling me He values me differently, because His viewpoint of worth is not determined by Earthly measures. He determines my worth. He determines my value. As Christians, we are each called to live for God. Sometimes our flesh intercedes and we want Earthly things. We have normal feelings that Satan uses to take our minds off His mission and purpose.
You see, as Christians, we are seen in a different way. Many people don’t think Christians should suffer with mental illness, lack of self-worth, eating disorders, addictions, or any number of other issues considered “unchristian”. But God..Our God uses those who have been through the fire. He knows we have seen that part of life and have been forgiven and loved by a merciful God.
Unfortunately, the devil also knows our weaknesses and issues. Anytime he can, he will bring it up, use it against us, or place that in our path. Listen for the voice of forgiveness, understanding, and grace. Remember, He views us differently from the world. Our place is in the kingdom of God.
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