A Sadness Others Don't See...

A Sadness Others Don't See...5-26-25

I remember growing up my mother struggled with depression. I didn't understand that at the time. All I saw was my mother laying on the couch withdrawn. Everyone was left to fend for themselves and I just didn't understand. Now, after having struggled with depression my entire life, I completely understand. There is a sadness that encompasses and overwhelms your entire being. I put on a smile and hide it. But sometimes if you look in my eyes, you will see.

Most people who don't understand depression, do not comprehend the struggle. This is one area my husband doesn't understand. He feels, and it is true, that I am so blessed and I should realize I have all I need. When you suffer with depression, your mind is constantly at war. Everything is a struggle. I struggle with understanding why I am not enough or am too much for people. I struggle with those being a friend, building a relationship and then moving on to others and leaving our friendship behind. I struggle with feeling everything is my fault. I say I'm sorry so much that my husband and friend have worked with me for 30 years to help me improve this. I struggle with self -esteem, not wanting to do anything but sit at home alone, and make excuses not to get involved because I don't want to get too invested. I always have a war inside my head and I pray constantly for God's guidance. Sometimes I wake at night and cry out to God and the tears fall. Sometimes I sit on my deck and think and my eyes become like trickles from a mountain stream with beauty surrounding the sadness.

I have slipped into the sadness over the last month. I have tried to reach out to only a few, but can't express to anyone because I don't want others to know how deep it is. How far within me the sadness reaches. Yes, at 17, I took an overdose. I understand now that permanently hurts those who are left behind. I would never do that again. I know where to turn. I look to God. There is a song called, "Worn". It describes me now. The line "I know I need to lift my eyes up."

Why this blog? There are so many like me in our world. On the outside, we smile and we push on. Unless you know us, really know us, you don't see. I want my grandson to read this one day and realize that Moppy was human and God can lift us up. He sees every struggle. He sees our sadness. All He asks is that we cry out to Him, and He will give us rest.

Isaiah 61:3, "    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

I want to be His oak tree. I know He will give me a garment of praise. I have that now. Even as I write this, I will and am praising Him. I know the sadness will pass. I will continue to look to God and will see my joy and beauty through tears of sadness. I know He will raise me up.